- ( THIS IS FICTION) My Suicide Plan (note if you will) this was in my drafts..i never pubished it…lol..now almost 2 years later i just decided to publish it..but will not act on it…it’s just another expression of my heart (from 2 years ago)
- My Suicide Plan (which is fiction…not real and will not happen..this is creative writing) (note if you will) this was in my drafts..i never pubished it…lol..now almost 2 years later i just decided to publish it..but will not act on it…it’s just another expression of my heart (from 2 years ago)
- Hope For The Broken Hearted Ones Like Me, I suppose
- I Must Get out of this BAD PLACE I am in Mentally
- I Must Get out of this BAD PLACE I am in Mentally
Well another birthday is here. This is my body’s birthday, the birthday of my accepting Jesus as my Savior, the day I decided to follow Jesus is a date in time I wish I could remember but I cannot. It was sometime in 1973 or 1974 I think.
.I was in college then. But today I want to thank my Abba for loving me with the agape love and for choosing me to be someone worth dying for and for giving me all the blessings which are way to numerous to post on here. Most of all I want to thank Him for His unceasing faithful loving kindness and forever mercy and grace. Whenever or where ever I may roam or become distracted or discouraged by the things the enemy tries to baffle me with, HIS all together lovely and beautiful, sweet, never changing gentle Spirit always brings me back. He is my Shepherd and I am so happy that I have decided to follow Jesus.
The Cross before me, the world behind me. Lord you are holy. You are worthy of our praise, dear God. You are so good to us, Lord, You are so faithful. I delight myself in You, oh Lord, and I seek You for my happiness. I seek after You and not the things of this world. Lord, I commit my life to you, yesterday, today and tomorrow and forever. I have decided to follow Jesus. No turning back, NO TURNING BACK. HALLELUJAH. Lord you deserve all the GLORY! Amen
Just when I think my son and I are getting along. Just when I am tolerant of his sloppy room (smelly also from dirty clothes and cigarettes) BOOM something like this has to happen.
I am 58 and soon to be 59. I got pregnant when I was 37 and now my only child is 21+ I had 10 speeds all my life and I paid for them all. I rode this Schwinn until my 8th month of pregnancy. I gained quite a bit with the pregnancy…anyway..I rode the bike occasionally during those 21 years but not too much as of late….the last time being about 6 years ago. Anyway, my son had cars and cars and cars…all crappy. He sold/traded, etc and now he has another one…I don’t want anything to do with it. Anyway when he was between cars and the weather was hot this past Summer (2012) he decided (without asking me) to fix up my bike and make it ride able. He was surprised how fast it could go…being as he was used to mountain bikes. This bike although American made was an English racer, right down to the Rams Horns handle bars. Oh yeah he fixed it up fine and it made me happy to see him ride it cause I knew he would get some good kudos out of it and then it would be my turn to ride it again. And I could not wait for the days to cool down and for me to get my nerve on to actually go out and ride again.
Today, I went looking in the basement and in the back porches and yard for my bike. My son has a car now and he went to work early in the am. I could find it nowhere…Being very distraught I tried to contact him at work with no success.
I finally ran into our neighbor who is about 3 or 4 years older than my son and I asked him, since he went biking with my son, if he had any idea of where my son left my bike.
Then the shock…He was laughing all the while he was telling me my son left the bike UNLOCKED in the yard 3 days ago (this is a 3 flat with 7 apartments and some seedy characters tend to roam around here) and yeah it was stolen….
My heart felt like it was gonna explode. Not only did my son do the obvious no no…he did not have enough respect for me to tell me about it. I had to go and look for it and like a fool come up short. I don’t even care about all that. And if the bike got stolen on my watch I would probably be even more upset…but it was the fact that he did not come to me when it happened…I had to call the cops 3 days later and report it stolen. I have the papers on it and the Model and Serial #’s. But idk…I am just so disappointed in him and said…I had to vent so I am writing this on here….He says he’ll get me another bike, but it won’t be the same…I really had to save for that one and it was a sacrifice getting it…and now the only bike I ever had that didn’t get stolen, finally got stolen….so so so so so sad. and my birthday is just around the corner…that just might be another letdown…as most of the others were. arguing and fighting and dis respectfulness….but no..i am not speaking to him…i cannot even look at him…he really did it this time.
: josh & i just had a HUGE fight. my nerves were fine until 2day. he was gonna have 2 black strangers from Craigs list come over here to look at the TV…after all that i have read about people getting killed from letting strangers (regardless of race) into their homes from Craig’s list…i could not believe that he would endanger our lives like that…please have a talk with him. omg…there was an article in the paper which i just pulled up on the internet about a man getting killed in front of his entire family. who knows why people do what they do that is crazy. some nut job could be trolling the ads and just looking for someone 2 murder just for the pleasure of it. OK josh says trust in Jesus, sure I do…but God wants us to make wise decisions
: He wants us to bathe things like this in prayer. we BOTH live here so we BOTH should have prayed together about letting strangers in here. I have had probably about 20 apartments in my lifetime with and without roommates and ALL of them, even the one over by Fran’s brother when we lived on Wells got robbed. One of the babysitters robbed me…they didn’t take much, but it was the principle of the thing. He has got 2 learn that it doesn’t matter if you are poor or rich…you don’t let people who answer an ad into your home. the wise thing to do would be to sell it by word of mouth to someone from the neighborhood. i am putting it on FB in the Bridgeport Group and even then i would meet the person at a coffee shop or get references and check them out
i stayed up all night: now that he is leaving 2 come & pick u & mas up i can maybe go 2 sleep, but my nerves r shot….i have a roast that i am planning on making, but i don’t know if i can even do that now…i just want 2 get out of here…and not just 4 today..i want 2 move..this apt is beyond dirty…josh’s room smells like a toilet & that’s cause he smokes in there..he leaves food in there & he gets mad when i go in there 2 get it out of there…i don’t want 2 live this way anymore…i have got 2 start 2 look 4 an apt 4 myself that is cheaper than this one…sorry 4 ramblin on but i have not had any sleep & i am getting what u had…have been sneezing coughing blowing my nose all night….i hope u do read this cause i know it’s long, but i just had 2 vent & ur the only person josh knows who has good sense…i know ur mom & dad would freak out if u invited some strangers into ur home with them 2 look at something 2 buy from Craig’s list…anyway…i love u & mas …this is gonna take a while 4 me 2 get over…he said alot of bad stuff 2 me…there is just so much i can take….<3<3<3 sorry4 ramblin on
Yesterday I made out a Suicide note and put it by my bed. I was hoping the Lord would just take me during the night…Nothing happened. No one knows (except God) or cares (except God…or so I am told) whether I live or die. I am a burden to my son apparently even though I pay all the bills here…God I thank you from the bottom of my heart for getting the finances to come in every month…but it’s all temporal…it’s all of this world…I don’t want to live here. I am not happy here…The only joy I get is from my cats…I know they really love me unconditionally.
You ask “what about the grandson…he is only 1 yr? Sure I would have some joy from him” But no, not really cause the way the mom is wanting to raise him, I do not want to get involved or even try to get close to him…I want to tell him about Jesus, but he is never here alone with me anymore…She hasn’t got a job and probably won’t get one, because unless something is “all about her” she is very lazy. Like cleaning for instance…if it bothers her, the dust and all, then she will clean..but when it comes to helping the man (my son) whom she supposedly loves..she won’t take care of his washing and folding his clean clothes nicely….she did with hers and her son’s but she left my son’s clothes all in a big heap in the closet. My son is the type of person, like most men who rely on their wives to take care of the laundry..that is typical and if she “loves” my son like she says she does…she should be more docile….anyway…that’s the main problem…
He (my son) doesn’t want me to get involved in anything they do, not even his laundry so i have to live in a home where his bedroom is unkempt laden with food wrappers and the like and then there’s the cigarettes and the pot he smokes…I just cannot go on living like this…I put forth the best example that I can, but I am just ready now to just throw in the towel…I am not needed here anymore…
So I ask the Lord…What is my purpose…How can I serve You outside of being a mom and a grandma…outside of providing money for his bad habits cause he breaks me down and just won’t leave me alone until he gets what little money I have…he has often even taken the quarters I have set aside for laundry so that I could not wash my clothes for months at a time…so I slip into a mood like i am today…of DEEP DEPRESSION..and if there would be a way that I could put my cats to permanent sleep without them feeling pain and do the same for me and if I knew I would go straight to heaven then I would end it NOW once and for all…but is there a way….and would I see God?
I remember a preacher on Moody Radio who answered the phone to callers in the middle of the night. One night a young boy called in and asked “Will my grandpa go to heaven? He knew the Lord and He prayed all the time…I know in my heart that he had the grace of God and salvation…but he just couldn’t bear the life on this earth anymore and He committed Suicide….So is he going to go to heaven?” The commentator said “YES” if he was saved as a living person, then YES he will be in Heaven for the young boy to reunite with after death….so there you have it….I have got to try to find that Commentators name…He has retired from the radio station….I must try to find out….