I Must Try to Find Out

Yesterday I made out a Suicide note and put it by my bed.  I was hoping the Lord would just take me during the night…Nothing happened.  No one knows (except God) or cares (except God…or so I am told) whether I live or die. I am a burden to my son apparently even though I pay all the bills here…God I thank you from the bottom of my heart for getting the finances to come in every month…but it’s all temporal…it’s all of this world…I don’t want to live here.  I am not happy here…The only joy I get is from my cats…I know they really love me unconditionally. 

You ask “what about the grandson…he is only 1 yr?  Sure I would have some joy from him”  But no, not really cause the way the mom is wanting to raise him, I do not want to get involved or even try to get close to him…I want to tell him about Jesus, but he is never here alone with me anymore…She hasn’t got a job and probably won’t get one, because unless something is “all about her” she is very lazy. Like cleaning for instance…if it bothers her, the dust and all, then she will clean..but when it comes to helping the man (my son) whom she supposedly loves..she won’t take care of his washing and folding his clean clothes nicely….she did with hers and her son’s but she left my son’s clothes all in a big heap in the closet.  My son is the type of person, like most men who rely on their wives to take care of the laundry..that is typical and if she “loves” my son like she says she does…she should be more docile….anyway…that’s the main problem…

He (my son) doesn’t want me to get involved in anything they do, not even his laundry so i have to live in a home where his bedroom is unkempt laden with food wrappers and the like and then there’s the cigarettes and the pot he smokes…I just cannot go on living like this…I put forth the best example that I can, but I am just ready now to just throw in the towel…I am not needed here anymore…

So I ask the Lord…What is my purpose…How can I serve  You outside of being a mom and a grandma…outside of providing money for his bad habits cause he breaks me down and just won’t leave me alone until he gets what little money I have…he has often even taken the quarters I have set aside for laundry so that I could not wash my clothes for months at a time…so I slip into a mood like i am today…of DEEP DEPRESSION..and if there would be a way that I could put my cats to permanent sleep without them feeling pain and do the same for me and if I knew I would go straight to heaven then I would end it NOW once and for all…but is there a way….and would I see God?  


I remember a preacher on Moody Radio who answered the phone to callers in the middle of the night.  One night a young boy called in and asked “Will my grandpa go to heaven?  He knew the Lord and He prayed all the time…I know in my heart that he had the grace of God and salvation…but he just couldn’t bear the life on this earth anymore and He committed Suicide….So is he going to go to heaven?”  The commentator said “YES”  if he was saved as a living person, then YES he will be in Heaven for the young boy to reunite with after death….so there you have it….I have got to try to find that Commentators name…He has retired from the radio station….I must try to find out….


About godslittlekitty

Just a simple, single mom to a 24 1/2 yr. old son, who has now 4 year old son, (my only grandson). I love the Lord because He first loved me. I am reborn and redeemed. (Feb 5 2016)
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