Have To Find A Way

Well she took enough pills to knock herself out, but he didn’t even notice because he was napping himself and by the time he woke up her pills had wore off.  He didn’t even question that she didn’t make dinner or that she had told him earlier that she hadn’t had a “real meal” in over 3 days.

So now it seems clear to her that he really is in a world all of his own and that all he cares about is the girl who left  him saying she couldn’t live with him and his baby, her grandson.  She has neutral feelings toward the baby and the girl because of all the times she has gotten hurt in the past with women coming and going and taking their children and she just doesn’t want to get her heart broken when the girl finds some other guy, and she will eventually, cause no woman will put up with his crazy behavior…from one job to job to job and his smoking and begging for money for cigs and smoking pot and putting the need for that before her and the baby.  He doesn’t even give gifts from the heart…So what if he doesn’t have money…and even if he did have money buying flowers begrudgingly cause he would rather have that money for his cigs or pot isn’t much of a heartfelt gift.  Maybe if he wrote a song or made a little card and wrote a poem in it. that would be the best present…or maybe offer to do dishes or clean the hallway or keep his room in order…all those gestures would be signs of true affection but no, he would never do any of those things without being really nagged to do so.   Anyway, she gets the feeling really strongly that he doesn’t want her around so she has decided that once she does some deep research into the subject of suicide that she is going to do it….but only if she knows for sure that God will take her to heaven…because if she did kill herself and end up in hell than he would win and sooner or later he would forget her and she would have put herself into hell for nothing….so off she goes now to research the wise bible scholars pages to see what they can tell her about going to heaven after committing suicide and she would want to take her cats someplace where they would be looked after ..by someone who had NO KIDS to annoy them, pull their tales or jump on them and take their toys.   and if she can’t find some lonely person who needs 3 loving cats then she will just have to take them with her when she commits suicide…i hope they will meet her at the Rainbow Bridge…Oh how she wishes she could just go to the rainbow bridge and basque in the sunlight with all her cats and dogs from her whole life and not have to worry about getting a sunburn or worry about not being loved and being thrown aside or being called a burden by a person whom she changed her entire life for, a young man(her son) who claims to know Jesus, but when I see him i don’t see Jesus…i see someone who wishes i was dead….well maybe just maybe he will get his wish sooner than he thinks…if only the rapture would come tonight and take her because she is so so very tired of crying every day….knowing that if she did die the only ones who would truly  miss her would be people she has never met online social networks and most of all the cats would miss her because once she is gone no one will take care of them and love them…so maybe if she doesn’t commit suicide she will not do it just to stay and take care of her cats…they need her and then she will go to the animal shelter and get a dog..a dog who has been through hell as she has been through hell…a dog whose last hope and last chance at life would be her…but still the suicide thing looks good to her, if only she could find a painless way to take her cats and new dog and know for a fact that they would all end up in heaven…anyway….off she goes now to do research

 

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About godslittlekitty

Just a simple, single mom to a 24 1/2 yr. old son, who has now 4 year old son, (my only grandson). I love the Lord because He first loved me. I am reborn and redeemed. (Feb 5 2016)
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