I was like (St) Thomas most of my life with the exception being that I was not actually there to walk and talk with the man, Jesus. Otherwise I was just like him, always wanting proof.
I grew up believing in Jesus but yet I thought it was up to me to get to heaven by way of being good and doing things to please God….but I was not happy…I got into a lot of trouble when I made many poor choices in my early life. I always wanted to be “good” but I just couldn’t get it right. I drifted from man to man to man, from job to job to job. I never had much money, but what I did get (after the bills were paid) I used to try to fill the empty space in my heart with LSD, Weed, Speed, Cocaine, Heroine (you get the picture).
I waitress-ed and bar-tended always falling in love with a guy who treated me badly…I have many scars to prove my decisions were hurting me in the long run.. I was date-raped, kidnapped and raped at knife (to my throat)point. I dealt drugs for a guy called “Legs” whose limo would take me to places like McCormick Place for the Business Men’s conventions where I would service (teamsters) for silver and gold (it paid the bills at times when I was out of work) . I got deeper and deeper into the PIT of despair.
I used to drink so much that I would wake up in my own vomit. I was already 36 years old and living with a man whom I thought I loved and was going to marry. He shared all my bad habits or maybe I shared his, I don’t know…but it, off course got out of hand. No one could pay the bills because the little money that was coming in from my waitress work and his on & off jobs (warehouse work) was going up HIS nose (not mine) I was trying to be “good”. Anyway, we broke up. I swore off men completely…I quit using the “PILL” ahhhh. but 6 months passed (I am almost 37). It was October 3, 1990 when we reconciled..
I was sure this time, we went to City Hall and got our marriage license and even went to Gino’s East to celebrate with the guy who was picked out to be the “best man”. Then Oct 13, 1990 came around (my birthday) the day we were to be married, but my so-called fiance was nowhere to be found. I called his mother’s house and she said “I am only saying this once, Kitty, (my nickname) “He married Debbie today. Don’t call here anymore!!” and she hung up. I was devastated. I found the guy who was supposed to be “our” best man and he told me it was true. She (Debbie) gave him an ultimatum and since she was able to support him plus whatever reasons he had of his own ..he married HER instead of me…on my 37th birthday.
At the end of October I found out I was pregnant and my heart could not take anything about my life anymore. I thought about Jesus and how I wished I could meet a man like Him. I began to pray for the first time in a long, long time. I was not praying quietly, I was screaming out loud…”JESUS, if You are real, and You love me like the Bible says, then You will want me to have this baby…but I cannot do it alone…I need You to show me Your Glory (as Moses had said to God on that Mountain so many years ago).
I asked for forgiveness for all the stupid stuff I had been doing for so many years. I became suddenly aware that there was a reason why Jesus was crucified…it was because of people like me who did so many dumb things to screw up their lives. It was because of the first people ever created by God, Adam & Ever. They broke the covenant(agreement) they had made with God. The covenant was that they could have anything and everything except the fruit of “The Tree of Knowledge Of Good & Evil”. They were told specifically by God, not to eat of that specific tree. If they had OBEYED GOD then things would have stayed as they were meant to be, but they disobeyed God. They broke the covenant. They became prey to Satan and were under his rule now. They became human and were sent out into the world, Satan’s domain. God gave them a list of laws to follow, but they (Adam & Eves descendents) didn’t follow that covenant either. The only way that man could go back to the way it was in the beginning, would be for a man (since it was man who broke the agreement) to make the ultimate BLOOD SACRIFICE. That is why Jesus (son of God and son of man) did what He did. He died on the cross for ALL MANKIND, myself included.
So I begged God to forgive me and then I accepted the blood of Jesus as my redemption…. I asked God to give me the Comforter (the Holy Spirit) to give me peace and joy that was also promised to me if I gave my life to Him. (Matthew 11:28)
I really wasn’t sure what was going to happen next, but I was on my knees asking God for help. I did not want to have another abortion. I was so, so, so scared, but I told God that I would trust HIM to help me and I STOOD on the promises made in the Bible..that He would make straight my path if I put ALL my TRUST in HIM…(Proverbs 3 :5-6) I would not lean on my own understanding. I would follow the guidance of the Holy Spirit. I would put my delight in HIM and HE would give me the desires of my heart.(Psalm 37:4)
What I wanted then was a sign from HIM…
I was told by 2 doctors that due to the past rapes and past abortions that I would probably not be able to carry the baby to term. I was told that the drugs that I had taken in the past might affect the child’s growth in some awful way. I was told also by the doctors to choose between my job and my baby, because the job of carrying the heavy platters of food and bending and lifting was way too strenuous for me. I had break through bleeding in my first trimester and I was put on bed-rest for the entirety of my pregnancy after that.
But, I STOOD on the promises of God that if I did HIS WILL and surely it was His Will for me to have the child, and not abort: that all that I had asked for in Jesus Name would be given to me. Prayer in Jesus’ name is taught in (John 14:13-14), “And I will do whatever you ask in my name, so that the Son may bring glory to the Father. You may ask me for anything in my name, and I will do it.” Praying in Jesus’ name means praying with His authority and asking God the Father to act upon our prayers because we come in the name of His Son, Jesus. Praying in Jesus’ name means the same thing as praying according to the will of God, “This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us. And if we know that He hears us—whatever we ask—we know that we have what we asked of Him” (1 John 5:14-15). Praying in Jesus’ name is praying for things that will honor and glorify Jesus.
Surely it was God’s Will for me to TRUST HIM above all else and to LISTEN to the Song HE sung over me every day of my pregnancy. I really started to TRUST HIM above all else. I would not listen to any other voices, only HIS.
Soon the proof came…I told the Lord (note I did not ask) that I wanted a BOY CHILD and that I wanted him to have blonde hair and blue eyes, but above all else I wanted my child to be normal. (Down Syndrome is in my family. I have a sibling that has Downs). I was tested (Amniocentesis) and it was at the time of this ultrasound that I first saw my BOY child. The baby in utero was reaching for the needle that was being stuck into my womb. The doctor told me to call out his name and tell him to move away from the needle because if he touched it, well, it would really screw things up. So I called out his name.. “JOSHUA…stop that…leave the needle alone.” The baby turned away from the needle and the doctor began to laugh as she said, “Your baby is really smart” and “You are so blessed”….
That was only the beginning of my walk with the Lord and Joshua, my son….Later when the results of the Amnio were so good and as the child developed in a most natural and healthy way in my womb, I got closer to the Lord.
I had a very easy delivery and had hardly any labor…It was as if an angel was standing beside me keeping me from hurting. And when I first laid eyes on my son, I KNEW.. beyond a shadow of a doubt that God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit are real.
Every day since then, (almost 21 years now) I have had a completely different type of lifestyle. I learned how to be a mom. I leaned on the Lord for everything, because I had nothing and no way to support myself or my baby. Every day I trusted HIM and every day I and my son were cared for. We have never wanted for anything
Today, my son and I read the Bible together. We pray together with the other new members of our little family.
So many times during these past 20 + years there were trials. There were storms and rough patches, but as long as I STOOD on the promises of God we always got through and we always will.
Anyhow I know this was a really long testimony, and this isn’t even the entire story of my walk with the Lord. This story is about the part of my life when I, like the Prodigal Son, came back to the Lord. The beginning of my walk with Him, and the years when I knew He was near, but I had my back to HIM, ignoring His voice, doing my own thing…those are the days that are loaded with stories about how I got myself into trouble, yet God always got me out safe (with some bruises and scrapes, but still safely away)
I am going to put all my life experiences into perspective and one day I will write a book. Until that day comes, however, I pray that whoever took the time to read this entry (blog) will be blessed by it.
I was a doubting Thomas, but Jesus showed me, as He did Thomas, beyond a shadow of a doubt that He is real. If it wasn’t for the reality of my God, my Savior, and Comforter, I would more than likely be dead now from some drug overdose or from the bullet of a gun belonging to an angry, burned (unpaid) drug dealer. You may not believe this but I DO believe that an angel actually blocked the bullet of a gun that was directly aimed at me.
During those years when I strayed from the path of righteousness that the Lord had planned out for me, I missed out on many treasures that I am sure HE had laid out on the correct path for me. Even though I didn’t go HIS way, He still stood by, gently speaking to my heart and waiting for me to finally LISTEN to HIM. He didn’t have to watch over me. He didn’t have to protect me when I was out in the madness of the world, doing my own thing.
But, He did!! I am so glad for HIS faithfulness. I have found 15 verses in the Bible, most of them in the book of Psalms which speak of God’s faithfulness. I am sure there are many, many more. Please take the time to read these encouraging verses:
Psalm 33:4 (#1 of 15 Bible Verses about God’s Faithfulness)
4 For the word of the LORD is right and true; he is faithful in all he does.
5 Your love, O LORD, reaches to the heavens, your faithfulness to the skies.
15 But you, O Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness.
1 I will sing of the LORD’s great love forever; with my mouth I will make your faithfulness known through all generations.
Psalm 89:8 (#5 of 15 Bible Verses about God’s Faithfulness)
8 O LORD God Almighty, who is like you? You are mighty, O LORD, and your faithfulness surrounds you
3 Surely he will save you from the fowler’s snare and from the deadly pestilence. 4 He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart. 5 You will not fear the terror of night, nor the arrow that flies by day, 6 nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness, nor the plague that destroys at midday.
1 It is good to praise the LORD and make music to your name, O Most High, 2 to proclaim your love in the morning and your faithfulness at night, 3 to the music of the ten-stringed lyre and the melody of the harp.
4 For great is your love, higher than the heavens; your faithfulness reaches to the skies.
1 Not to us, O LORD, not to us but to your name be the glory, because of your love and faithfulness.
Psalm 143:1 (#10 of 15 Bible Verses about God’s Faithfulness)
1 O LORD, hear my prayer, listen to my cry for mercy; in your faithfulness and righteousness come to my relief
22 Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassion never fails. 23 They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.
3 What if some did not have faith? Will their lack of faith nullify God’s faithfulness? 4 Not at all!
1 Corinthians 1:9
9 God, who has called you into fellowship with his Son Jesus Christ our Lord, is faithful.
1 Corinthians 10:13
13 No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.
1 John 1:9 (#15 of 15 Bible Verses about God’s Faithfulness)
9 If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.
It’s because God is real and He loves me (and all His people whom He created) that I am able to type this blog at this very moment. It is only because of HIS grace, through my FAITH (Ephesians 2:8) that I will succeed in my life with peace and joy in my heart. As long as I have FAITH even if it is only the size of a mustard seed, there is nothing I cannot do through Jesus. (Matthew 17:20)“Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.”
I pray this story about my life has blessed you. I also pray that you will find your way onto the lighted path the Lord has laid out for you. If you haven’t ever talked to the Lord, why not try now? He’s real and He’s always listening.