( THIS IS FICTION) My Suicide Plan (note if you will) this was in my drafts..i never pubished it…lol..now almost 2 years later i just decided to publish it..but will not act on it…it’s just another expression of my heart (from 2 years ago)

My Suicide Plan (note if you will) this was in my drafts..i never pubished it…lol..now almost 2 years later i just decided to publish it..but will not act on it…it’s just another expression of my heart (from 2 years ago).

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My Suicide Plan (which is fiction…not real and will not happen..this is creative writing) (note if you will) this was in my drafts..i never pubished it…lol..now almost 2 years later i just decided to publish it..but will not act on it…it’s just another expression of my heart (from 2 years ago)

satan says nobody loves me

satan says nobody loves me

Since I have decided that my son and his family would be better off and FREE without me around and since I am just taking up space and using Government Funds to survive, some people who do not understand will be glad to know that I will be not needing them anymore.  I plan on taking out the most expensive life insurance policy I can…saving up at least 6 of my SSI checks so my son will have that money to bury me and hopefully if it looks like someone killed me then maybe he will get the life insurance policy.  At any rate he will get the cash cause once I cash the checks I will hide them away in a place that I will disclose to him on the day before I die.I will text him to look for a surprise in one of my Bibles for something I have been saving for him /my funeral I will dress myself in some type of pajamas and fill the tub with my favorite most expensive bath salts and bubbles.  I will take as many as possible Lorezepam, maybe 90 of the .5 so that is really only 45 whole ones, probably just enough to put me to sleep. i will them find the sharpest razors I can and slit the wrists at the vein where they can bleed out into the tub.  I will settle my tired laden head onto the back of the tub and relax in the bubbles warmth will encompass me and I will wake up on the other side.   Alistair Beg says that if you are a Christian and you just cannot go on and you go to your death loving the Lord and asking Him for His will in all this and if you have forgiven all you accusers and yourself and if you believe Christ died for you and you are saved that yes, even in suicide you will go to heaven.  So yes, this is my plan and I am not sure when but I want to do it soon, probably before my next birthday..that is 6 months from now…so there is the 6 checks.  I am sorry I could not be a better person or perform some kind of a miraculous recovery from depression.  I just want to lie down under a tree and have the Lord take me on a nice Summer day, but that has not happened so this is the only way I know.  Please do not cry for me as you are finally free from me.  maybe you WILL see me again.  Maybe I am in Heaven.  I should be.  According to Alistair Begs I am in heaven now.if i should die before i wake

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Hope For The Broken Hearted Ones Like Me, I suppose

Dear Lord, please guide me away from this depression, loneliness and a desire to just stay in bed and not face the fact that I am alone. I know you are with me always but as far as humans go…I am alone…or at least I feel all alone and that my life has no purpose. I am so tired of just trying to survive and just barely making the bills. I have lived my entire adult life under the gun and doing whatever I can to “just get by” I am so so tired of that way of life. I have raised my son and he is a man now. I don’t even have a dog to be my companion anymore because when my last girl died I became too poor to be able to afford another dog. I am feeling so lost. I don’t want to go for a walk and haven’t since she died 5 years ago. Lord lead me away from this loneliness that consumes me. Lead be on the path of righteousness whatever it is You have for me, please take me there and let me have a purpose in my life again. Amen

Hope For The Broken Hearted's photo.

 Won’t someone please love me?  I have such a broken heart?somebody please love me

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I Must Get out of this BAD PLACE I am in Mentally

I Must Get out of this BAD PLACE I am in Mentally.

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I Must Get out of this BAD PLACE I am in Mentally

Irish prayer and blessing laughter, warm my heart and home, my good and faithful friends …hmmmm…they’re all on Facebook, seriously except for 3 and I am not sure of 2 of them as far as being faithful…that’s just it i don’t roam anymore…i am too afraid to…there is some peace and i don’t suffer for not having enough food or clothes..but….it’s not the kind of food or clothes i would really want…(am i spoiled? is that it? if so, who spoiled me? surely not anyone human…unless my parents and they passed away)…anyhow i know i am blessed because i have so much that others would want…my son, his family, just the freedom i have to sit here and type….freedom to practice my religion (which I don’t have…I have a relationship, but it seems to be on the rocks right now) …joy that long endures? what is that.??…i know i long endure..but to what end? i cry more than i laugh or have joy or even smile…the only time i really smile is if i play with my cats and /or my grandson…and when i see his face i SMILE…always….that is a true blessing If this is a season I can’t wait for it to pass so I can just endure it and grab the blimps and blurbs of happiness and smiles I can get in between the grey bouts with depression when I turn my brain off and just go away to a place where sleep brings dreams that really make no sense or that really don’t matter…dumb stuff…..I WANT THE BEST FOR ME AND MINE and I AM A DAUGHTER OF THE KING and I HAVE A RIGHT TO HAVE THE BEST…I HAVE A RIGHT TO WHAT JESUS HAD…..(HAS)…..how do I get to it…I know it’s like a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow? how do I get to it? I know somehow, someway it has to come from inside me. I’ll try to keep you all posted….I think that maybe I am at the threshold where so many once stood and at that point they sold their soul to the devil. I am not ever going to that….even if it means I have to accept that being a 61 yr old mother is really all that God has planned for me to endure…..I just know I have more talent than that though….but how do I get to it? How do I open my mind, heart and brain and body (which is so fragile right now) to my talent. I have been giving up…I have been just sleeping and trying to shut life out…literally……I have got to get out of this prison. I MUST GET OUT OF THIS BAD PLACE I AM IN MENTALLY…….depression

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How It All Started

Since I was a young adult having lived through the 60’s here in the USA with all the Hippie Movements and the Women’s Lib, in the 70’s, it was not difficult for me to hitch a ride even across several States if I had so desired.  However, I limited my thumbing rides to going around Chicago when I just wanted to get place to place.  And then later on by myself like if I didn’t have bus fare. I was living in my own apartment and trying to get to work at whatever office I worked at back then, usually when the weather was inclement and a bus just never seemed to come .Most of the guys who picked me up when I was still innocent were hippies or maybe they might have done so to get a date, but most were cool and I would get to my destination.

So as I grew older and didn’t have a car, I walked alot of place in lieu of hitching. I met some ‘street’ people and one of them was a guy who insisted on walking me (and my dog….home). Unfortunately I was attracted to him and at that time in my life I did not know how to practice ‘self control’ So if not that day, then soon after we got intimate and he basically ‘moved in’ to my apartment, even though all he had was a bag of clothes.   I should have seen the signs that he was a drug addict and a looser, but I was young and naive and he taught me some things about sex I never even knew existed.

He gave me a few dollars here and there towards rent but nothing much.  One day he stayed gone all night and I got upset.  He had been living with me for about 6 weeks.  One of the jobs he took on was that of a ‘carny’ a person who works for carnivals.  That was his explanation of where he had spent the night.  I could tell you more things that were really wrong with him, but what would be the point?  The focus of this blog is not on him, but on me and my life as you will soon see.

So one morning I was getting ready to leave for my job in Skokie.  I lived in the inner city so I would have to take a bus to the “L” and then get off at Jefferson Park and catch a special bus which would take me a few blocks from where I worked.  The ‘special bus’ was on a limited schedule and if I missed the one I needed to get I would have to wait over an hour for the next one which would make me very late for work.  I was working in Customer Service at Ohm Electronics at the time.

It was snowing pretty hard and there was about 3 inches on the ground.  I had my knees boots which laced up the front, a wool mini skirt (the style then) a cashmere sweater and a leather blazer.  Robin, the man (my live in lover or whatever you would call him) was there and we got into an argument about money since he hadn’t given me any toward bills in some time. It ended with me crying because he told me I looked like a “hooker” and me being late for work. So when I got to the bus depot I had just missed the ‘special bus”.  I began to walk over a bridge and it was very windy and the snow was beginning to come down harder  I started to cry again and I could feel the tears start to freeze up on my cheeks.   I decided to try and hitch a ride to work.

It did not take long for a young businessman to stop and offer a ride.  However, he passed my place of work as he talked “You seem to be too upset to go into work.  Why don’t you call and tell them you are going to be late due to the weather and I can take you for a cup of coffee or tea and you can relax and calm down.?”  He seemed kind and genuine so the sound of something warm in my stomach was appealing and besides I knew I could probably get a bite of breakfast since he offered coffee and….

So of all places he stopped at a Howard Johnson’s  We had a small breakfast, made small talk which I wasn’t really listening too and then he placed a $50.00 bill on the table.  I thought it was for the waitress but then he got up and went to the cashier to pay our check.  Hmmmm….When he came back he asked “Do you make that much in a day?”  It wasn’t any of his business, but I knew that I didn’t.  He then told me that I could have the $50 if I would just go and “relax’ with him for a little while in one of the motel rooms.

This was offensive to me, but also at the same time appealing.  I especially thought so because what Robin had said to me when I was leaving “you look like a hooker”. This could be a way of getting back at him (i was probably saying that somewhere in my subconscious mind)

So I obliged him and we had our little intimate encounter.  He was gentle, kind and considerate and done in like 3 mins.  We left the motel room and he dropped me off at work.  Well, that’s how it all began.  That’s how I started to be a “hooker”.  By way of hitch hiking at will and paying close attention to the drivers car and attire.  If  a business man with a nice car would stop and offer a ride  my chances at turning a trick were more than likely.

This went on and off for practically the rest of my life until I turned 37.  I started when I was about 24 or so, but it was not consistent. I left that job in Skokie, simply because it was way too difficult to get there on time.   I did not get fired I left on my own.  I found out about unemployment and collected that while I was trying to go to school to become a LPN…the job program was sponsored by Welfare and funding for it got cancelled before I finished so I left that and went from office job to waitress job to hitching hiking and hooking.  I even began to sell small amounts of pot “just to get by”.  Let me tell you, things got worse before they ever got better.

…I will tell you how it all ended up, but in another blog.

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When Your Grown Son Treats You Like Dirt

What am I supposed to do?  I am 4 58 years old now and have muscle spasms in my hamstrings and my calf’s and shins most days.  I try to do something not too strenuous and I still get out of breath and my heart starts racing.  All this and yet, my son resents me.  He says he wants to move out on his own even before he gets married to the girl who had his baby boy.  He also says from time to time, that he wants to be with his son, full time and that he knows the rent he would have to  pay where his GF lives would be just the same as here and HE DOES NOT WANT TO LIVE HERE

OK so you would probably say “Let him go” .  However, I cannot afford the rent on this apartment alone…the half rent is what i need from him, and most of the time he gives me about that.   It’s just the way he is mean to me every day and I feel like I have no purpose in living anymore /

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